The Standard | Online Edition :: Virtual affairs
Updated 6 hr(s) 39 min(s) ago
It starts with a harmless chat that gradually becomes naughty and sneaky. Then blood starts rushing somewhere else, and it?s not to the brain!? ALLAN OLINGO delves into online infidelity
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An online corrupted version of the wacha mpango wa kando campaign by the Population Services International and the Ministry of Public Health and Sanitation has been doing rounds in Facebook and part of its contents reads: ?Wewe hapo kwa computer, ati unajifanya uko kwa Facebook, ...eeh, na jee? Huyo mtu huwa mna inbox na yeye, si mpenzi wako, sivyo? Je unajua yeye hu inbox wengine kama wewe? Kuna njia moja tu ya kuepukana na hiyo kudanganywa. Wachana na mpango wainbox! Kuwa mwaminifu.?
(Hey, stop pretending you are busy on Facebook yet all you do is have intimate chats with strangers on inbox. Do you know that he also does the same with other women? Be faithful. Stop the inbox chats). This advert depicts the new mode of cheating ?? online infidelity. So how does it happen?
Recently a friend broke up with his girlfriend because he found out that she was having multiple affairs on Facebook.
He had borrowed her laptop and when he went online, her Facebook account was still active and the chat history made him curious.
He went through it and what he saw shook him.
?She was having online flings with two of her male friends on Facebook. It?s like they were having sex on Facebook ,? he says.
When he confronted her, she initially denied any wrongdoing but when he showed her the evidence, she apologised and promised to change.
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So what is online cheating?
Therapist Laura Berman, PhD, a New York Times best-selling author on sexual health, says sexual infidelity means you have the urge to have sexual contact with a person who is not your partner, and emotional infidelity means that you?re confiding in and emotionally connecting with a person outside of your relationship without the sex.
?We?re dealing with a whole new category here!? writes Dr Berman who has labelled sexting, social media, and email flirting as ?cyber infidelity?.
Sociologist Dr Agnes Zani says that online infidelity can ruin a relationship.
She says: ?When someone is committed to such online relations, then they can be unfaithful because their commitment, interest and engagement is with the other person.?
According to Angelina Mao and Ahalya Raguram in their article Online Infidelity: The new challenge to marriages, online? infidelity? now includes a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone other than the spouse, which begins with an online contact and is maintained mainly through electronic conversations that occur through email and chat rooms.
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So is online infidelity cheating?
Many would respond in the negative. But this begs the question, would you like your partner to see the information you share on your Facebook chat or inbox?
Dr Zani says online infidelity is indeed cheating at the psychological level as it breaks the trust between two people in a relationship.
emotional connection
The moment the shared online emotional connection is pulling you away from your primary relationship, you will be weakening your love.
This will be an emotional affair, which is cheating.
She adds: ?If there is no physical contact, then one may think of it as not cheating, but it can easily lead to physical cheating because with time, the two may actually meet.?
Emotional infidelity usually starts with a harmless online chat that drifts to provocative flirting.
This can lead to an actual affair that elicits stronger emotions and causes greater emotional anguish.
Walter Kituyi, a project manager, says online infidelity depends? on the intentions of these relationships.
Kituyi says: ?What matters is the kind of personal information? you share online. If you would not want your partner to find out? about these online exchanges, then that is cheating.?
Dr Zani says the level of personal commitment to this kind of relationship is the key factor in determining whether it is indeed cheating.
Online infidelity is more damaging compared to the old fashioned infidelity? due to its emotional nature and the secrecy involved.
Sociologist Dr Gidraph Wairire says: ?Emotional intimacy is often much deeper and stronger than? sex. Strong emotional connections can be developed online even though there?s no physical contact.?
According to the Internet World Stats, over four million Kenyans have Internet access, with Facebook alone having 1.7 million? users as at June this year.
This means that thousands of social networking sites and chat rooms are more accessible, increasing the chances of online infidelity.
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Breaking the cycle
So can one break out of this cycle of online infidelity?
Dr Wairire says? in most cases, the online cheating starts because two people are looking for an exciting emotional connection.
?Falling in love is unique and the feelings it evokes can make daily life more exciting and adventurous. Being told that you are special by a stranger online builds one?s self-esteem,? he explains.
When you get such attention, within no time one starts drifting off their primary relationship.
Dealing with emotional infidelity can be challenging mainly because of the dynamics of the social networks.
Some couples resort to splitting up while others choose to work things out.
So why is this innocent yet harmful emotional infidelity dangerous to a relationship?
Dr Zani says online infidelity gives a good reason not to work on the actual relationship and because of the easy nature of hooking up within the social networks.
She adds: ?Many could be searching for something new and exciting that their relationships cannot offer. The gaps in one?s own relationships, the unavailability of a partner as well, lack of shared interests, are some of the reasons people are seeking affection online.?
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Online heartbreaks
So what do you do when you realise your partner is having an online affair?
Assess the circumstances before making a decision.
Says Dr Wairire: ?If you arrest the online affair early enough, talk to your partner and understand what they were looking for.?
It could be attention, excitement, companionship or sex.
It is important to reassure your partner that you are ready and willing to provide it.
He adds: ?If your partner is spending too much time on social networks, it could be an indication of neglect. The remedy is to focus on each other and spend more time together.?
Online flirting and infidelity are addictive and if you are willing to salvage the relationship, you have to help your partner stave off the cravings.
?Dr Zani, however, cautions against distractions noting that the social networks are now part and parcel of relationships and it might prove difficult to provide a distraction.
She says: ?If your partner is truly committed to strengthening the relationship, you should let them know that they have to co-operate.?
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Source: http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/InsidePage.php?id=2000041656&cid=300&
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